Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Inappropriate places to Fart

Author's Side Note: I tend to be a very gassy person and it really is a burden more then a gift or a talent. My stomach is always upset and as a result I fart a lot. I am not proud of it but it's just the nature of the beast. Here is a list of places that are inappropriate to pass gas or do the one cheek sneak. 

1. At Church, while getting communion as the priest hands you the bread of the lord. Peace be with your asshole and asshole to you. 

2. A funeral or wake.

3.  On a very crowded bus or train, where you are standing and some ones sitting next to your butt area. This is a sure fire way to have an unwanted fisting session on the transit. 

4. On an elevator (I just blame it on the person next to me)

5. In a classroom were you have at least 4 women surrounding you.(I just blame it on the person next to me)

6. In line at the DMV..... never mind  it smells terrible already all bets are off.

Today is January 16th and I am a Resident asshole

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Reminiscing the past Asshole

Author's side note: I wasn't just an asshole as soon as I started blogging. No, I have been pretty much a jagaloon. So I am going to make a short little list or maybe a long little list of things I did in my childhood.

First Grade:
Ahhh First grade, first real class and first not so real girlfriend.I asked a girl to be my ladyfriend at recess and she said yes. Shortly after I wanted to see if I could get a kiss. I got it. Then I wanted to make sure girls didn't have the same parts as boys. They don't. I lifted her skirt and she got pretty upset. When she said she would tell on me I bribed her like any politician would to a night walker to keep their pregnancy under wraps. She took the money and then told. Later on that day I snuck over to her desk when she wasn't there and took my money back.

Second Grade:
Over a week I collected insects, frogs, and vegetation (so they can eat obviously) in my desk and during class I let them free. I managed to keep a bee in the desk as well and it stung one of the other children in my class. They had an allergic reaction and had to leave school.

Side note: I felt pretty bad about that one and have always thought about it. About 4 1/2 years ago I was with my friends in the summertime drinking behind my old elementary school which butted up against a forest. I got stung by five bees creating an allergic reaction. I now have to carry an Epipen with me 8 months out of the year.

Third grade:
There was an overweight kid in my class who sat next to me all year. We always seemed to have gas on the same days. It was like our mothers fed us and spoiled our stomachs at the same time. One day this child was presenting something in front of the class and I was sitting in the front row. This kid was doing fantastic until he tore a massive fart in front of everyone. It was huge; his ass was against the chalk board so it enhanced the noise of the fart and made a resonating sound. Everyone smirked and giggled while I sat in the front row and laughed hysterically at this poor kid. He continued to present his little presentation on water or whatever the fuck he was presenting when my stomach started to feel bad. I let loose a crawler and everyone in the class thought it was the poor kid presenting. I noticed the others didn't know it was me so I joined in on the laughter. The poor kid got so embarrassed that he cried and ran out of class.

Side note: It's ok I know I was a jag on that one but later that day I shit my pants in gym class.

Fourth Grade: I had just gotten braces and had returned to school later on in the day. A bigger girl who seemed to have bully me for some time say me passing in the hall. She looked at me and said in such a Country (Cunt-tree) way, "Ohhhhh does poor little Tommy feel sick today?" I was in no mood for her American girl doll bullshit so I returned fire with this simple comment, "Hey Bridgette two words, Jenny Craig." She started crying and ran off to her next class.

Side note: Now she is anorexic and in rehab...............just kidding

Fifth Grade: I feel like this is when I started becoming a trouble maker. During recess someone came up to me and told me another class mate had called me a short retard to his friend on the playground. I became furious. So as recess was coming to a close and every one was running in the doors, I had one of my friends give me the heads up when he was coming around the corner. As he is sprinting around the bend my buddy gives me the go ahead and I pop my foot out and he goes flying! He skids across the pavement and scratches up his face and right before he is about to start screaming I run up to him and say, "Now whose the short retard." I wish I saw a couple more Die hard films before I made my comment because I feel it would have been way better.

Throughout the year I had been getting detentions and serving them during recess. Every time I got a detention I had to bring a slip home to my parents to sign. Well when this first started happening I immediately started forging my mom’s signature so she didn't have to know. When we went on a school field trip a couple months later I brought it home for my mom to sign. Let's just say I served a lot more detentions after that one.

Right before school ended on my last day of fifth grade, my buddy and I got a hold of some M-80's and wanted to leave our mark on the school. Thanks Problem Child you really helped me cap off my elementary school year with a bang literally. Wow, ya, look at that so Cliche. 

Today is January 12th, 2012 and I have always been an Asshole.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Angelo Dioretti

Author's Side note: So I have been making youtube videos for a little while and I have devised a character named Angelo Dioretti. Angelo is the bonafide Dago version of me. Enjoy a Rant by Angelo.

Jesus was born on January 7th not December 25th

Author's Side Note: Half of my family is Greek orthodox and the other half is Catholic so I am one of a few select Americans that get to celebrate Christmas more than once a year. 

Well I arrive at my relatives house around 5p.m and say hello to everyone, including that one guy that you don't know why he is there but he just is. I notice everyone is sipping wine so I go for a tall pint. My girlfriend immediatly looks at me in alarm and says, "Relax Jim Morrison the party has just begun." I smile a gentle smile and sip my wine and exclaim, " don't worry babe I will only have a glass or two."

So we mingle and make small talk with relatives I haven't seen in a while and eventually plant ourselves at the table. 
My cousins are like my best friends, when ever we get together we just get professionally drunk and with dela black out. 
Dinner rolls around and I am glass 3 or should I say pint 3. My cousins and I are getting comfy and talking about this and that. Ya know cousin stuff. 
Dinner ends and I am on glass 6 or should I say pint 6. I am feeling pretty kosher. I notice the strange guy that I never understood was just walking around staring at things so I decided to see what he was all about. Turns out this man is a optometrist for politicians in the state of Indiana. 
I'll be honest I didn't know how to respond to that..... So I asked him if he would like to take a shot to ease the tension I felt growing for my disintrest in his field of work and he accepted. 
Shortly after my oldest cousin Carl pulled me aside and asked if I would like to par-take in some shots of vodka. I was reluctant but then decided, when in Rome do as the Greeks do! We killed a bottle with my other two cousins and thats when I knew I was drunk. 

Being a musician I felt it was the need to start jammin with my youngest cousin. We tend to rock and or roll when we are together. So him and I start off with a couple of Beatles tunes and everyones enjoying it, but slowely we slip away from the Beatles tunes and start making our own songs up. 

First song was about how Jesus Christ was actually born on January 7th and not 25th, lets just say my relatives were a little displaced from that number. 

Second song, a song about majesty of cousins and copious amounts of alcohol we consume when we are together. Our parents were starting to get uncomfortable. 

Third song, ok I'll be honest at the time I thought the song was clever but when my girlfriend explained it to me the next day I was just embarrased. My cousin was on piano and I was on guitar and we were going verse after verse about farts. Chorus line read this, "Oh farts you are so stinky, when I shit it's like a slinky."........ The mic was pulled away from us. 

That wasn't it, the strange man started massaging another random guy during this whole jam session that I have never met before. My cousins where kind of confused and I was curious to know what was going on. After the mic was pulled from me, they switched turns and the stranger was guy the strange guy a back massage now. I walked up to them and said, "What the fuck are you guys doing?" Every one in the party stopped and stared at me and the two strangers. I looked at everyone and exclaimed, "What I am just saying what you all are thinking." 
Lets just say my girlfriend drove me home.........

Today was saturday 7th, 2012 and I am a resident asshole

Monday, January 9, 2012

Mushrooms dont Power you up like in Super Mario Brothers...They make you feel Like you are apart of the Rugrats...

Friday 6th, 2012

Author's Side Note:  I have never taken psychedelics before and honestly never know if I will take them again after this experience that was forced upon me. 

So it's Friday night and I decided to take my girlfriend out to a nice dinner at my good friend's Pizza place. Now my long time friend who I have done many asshole things with since us knowing each other decided to play a little prank on me that turned into a catastrophe. So my lady and I arrived at my buddies joint around 7 o'clock and sat down and got cozy in the nice family style atmosphere restaurant that my friend owns.

My buddy comes up to us and tells the bartender to round us up a couple of beers. He then asked us if we were thinkin' about getting pizza tonight. We both thought to ourselves ya why not it's friday, pizza and a couple of beers with some scissoring later sounds nice. He asks me, "What would you like on your pizza?" I look to my lady and ask, "What would you like babe?" She states she wants an everything pizza with giardiniera but half mushrooms because she doesn't dig em' to much. So he returns to the kitchen and gets cracking on our pizza. While her and I are sitting there enjoying each others company we notice, as we are people watching, a miserable couple and their energetic children. The husband looks like he collected stamps and quarters from every state and the wife looked like she hadn't been stuffed since that last kid come out. We also noticed there was a man up on stage singing a song about crocodiles or some weird shit for the kids in the audience. Now don't get me wrong this Entertainer wasn't bad he played a couple of really good tunes but every once and a while he caught me with a song that made me wanna punch his mouth in it's face. Among these characters I mentioned there where many more to follow. 

About a half hour of my buddy being gone he returned with our amazing looking pizza. I was famished, I hadn't eaten all day and this pizza looked absolutely delectable. He smiled at us and said, "Enjoy Tom." I looked at him kind of puzzled but brushed it off and dove into my half of the pizza. 
The pizza was great! It was cooked to perfection. The mushrooms tasted a little funny and were a little tough but gave the pizza a nice zing  to it. After about a good half hour of eating my lady and I were full. My good buddy bought us another round of beer and told us to stick around a bit and listen to the music. I remember he said, "It's about to get good!" My lady wanted a little desert so we ordered some lemon cake that my buddy at the time exclaimed that, "it was the best on the south side of chicago." 
 So he brought out two pieces and a big glass of orange juice for us. I'll be honest the lemon cake was damn good and I was moaning like I was getting a foot job from the lady under the table. 

This is when shit got funny. After about two minutes of finishing the cake I started feeling a little different. Everything had a delayed timing to it and my girlfriend started looking like arugrats character. I looked at her and couldn't stop laughing. " Jeez Angelica where's Phil and Lil? Let's sneak out of the play ben and run around the backyard!" She looked at me as if I was crazy. I kept on laughing and laughing and laughing. She tried pretending that it was just me being silly me and said, "Man that Lemon Cake was good." I looked at her with my eyes gigantic and shouted, "Ya that Was the Best Lemon Cake I have ever had. This Lemon cake is DELLLLLLLL! Angelica where's Reptar?"

By this time everyone in the restaurant is staring at me like I am high on mushrooms. Funny thing is....... It turned out my buddy put about 3 grams of mushrooms on my half of the pizza and I ate close to all of it. 

The Singer was on the stage still trying to concentrate on his song about animals or whatever the fuck he was playing and I shouted, "Hey Stu? Get Didi and play us all a song!" He looked at me and tried to shrug me off, but I stared at him and said, "Stuuuuu don't make me come up there!" The man who collected stamps and quarters was just absolutely shocked by the way I was acting and his kids where giggling muttering, "Where's Chuckie? I'm Tommy! Your  Lil. Where's Spike?" I look at them and start laughing even more.The father is getting really uncomfartable and his wife is getting all hot and bothered. The bartender who looked as if he was Blu from the movie "Old School" glared at me and said," Son what are you retarded or something?" I looked at him and said all wabblely, "No grandpa Lou, but why don't you fill up that martini glass with milk for Dil." 

At this point my world is spinnning and I am on the nickelodeon network tripping balls like I'm Ken Kesey. My buddy finally comes out of the kitchen and my girlfriend grabs him and says, "What the fuck did you do to him, he only had 3 beers?" He noticed how concerned everyone was looking around me in the restaurant smiled and said aloud, "Everyone let's give my friend here a big round of applause. He is my good friend from Hollywood who is currently working on a movie in chicago. His role is a young child who turns into a young adult. Much like 13 going on 30 but ya know, better." 

Everyone eases up a bit except for Mr. Stamps up his ass. "Well kick him out of here! We are trying to eat and have a peacefully dinner and this tyrant is ruining our family time!" His kids are still muttering things about the show rugrats when I look at him bug eyed," Well Drew why don't you get those stamps and quarters out of your ass and take a loud off." He turns beat red and shouts, "Leave my STAMPS OUT OF THIS!" My lady at this time actually started laughing because I nailed it on the head earlier that it was his pathetic hobby. "Get him out of here before I call the Police!" My buddy looks at me and smiled, "Come on buddy let's get you out of here before you get me in trouble. This tabs on me." I look back at everyone and say as the old patterned carpet is starting to move, " Alright play the closing music to the show!" 
Click Here to Hear the Rugrats theme Song
My buddy told me in the parking lot that I was on mushrooms and I was going to be ok. He told me to go home and relax and stare at my fish tank for the next few hours and think about how simple life is........ I did just that. My girlfriend is still a little mad at me and him and will not go back to his restaurant anymore. 

Today was Friday 6th, 2012 and I am a Resident Asshole.

P.S. I have never taken psychedelics before and honestly never know if I will take them again after this experience that was forced upon me. At least next time....... I would like to know I am taking them ahead of time.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Homeless encounters

Author's side note: Homeless people are not real people, they are the first stage of zombies. They are contagious, smelly and make you feel uncomfortable no matter who you are.

Today must have been one of those rare, momentous occasions where after I took a shower and put some cologne on I accidentally grabbed the hobo attracter cologne. As soon as I walk out my door and I head to the train I am not even a block away from my house and I see a homeless man across the street. He had a very large amount of shit in a shopping cart and was attempting to cross the street to communicate with me and wrangle some change. Me being me waited patiently to see this crack head try to cross the street for I knew this would be funny. In his attempt of lifting his shit filled cart over a curb, he clipped one of the wheels on the edge of the curb and the cart and the crack head fell over into the street. Pop cans, Foldgers cans filled with screws and shards of metal, crack spoons and jugs full of stale urine spilled across the street. He started screaming and moaning and grunting homeless words. He looked up at me and I looked and him smiled and went to the train and moved on with my day. 

Later on that day.........
 So later on that day I was around the south loop helping my friend with a school project. As we were filming some B roll shots for his short film A homeless man named mike came up and started talking to me about hockey, Dan Marino and baseball.

Later in the evening.....
 Now I wasn't really and asshole to this homeless man but he was on the train with me and a large group of Chicago commuters. When he dropped his ripped jeans and took a doody on the floor of the train. The train smelled like anchovies, a musty ol' cottage and a nursing homes diaper hamper.

Today is Thursday January 5th, 2012 and I am a Resident Asshole.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

5 Bars and 389.68 later

Wednesday All DAY!

Author side note: OK I do not have a drinking problem I can drink a beer perfectly fine but when I drink all day…… I tend to turn into Incredible Asshole. He's a super hero but really doesn't do anything super he just gets drunk and makes fun of foreigners and starts fights with meat heads who wear affliction shirts and fist pump to much.

Bar #1 Drum and Monkey
12:30 p.m 

So a friend and I decided since it is christmas break and we are American we should celebrate America by just indulging in copious amounts of alcoholic beverages and shouting obscenities at a loud pitch several times. 
We started off with the good "ol' college try" with a Jameson shot and a bud light. Rifled those down like Germans during WWII and moved onto some more Bud lights. About four beers and two shots later I noticed something. There was an elderly gentleman at the end of the bar who was talking to himself and I couldn't help it but to go up to him. He smelled like live fishing bait and Sharon Tait's house. Well this man, let's call him Charles Manson, was watching Maury feeling that the love triangle on the show had it all wrong. So I approach Charles and ask him if he would like a drink, but he surprised me and said he didn't partake in alcohol so I bought him a shot of water and we left for another bar.
Bar Tab 62.50
Tip 10.50
Total 73.00

Bar #2 Timothy O'Tooles
3:30 pm

Welcome to Streetersville over priced central of Beautiful downtown Chicago. How I ended up there I do not know. By this time, I had about two feet in the bag. Long story short here me and my partner in crime each had three craft beers and two patron shots and when the bartender brought me my tab, I laughed in his face and told him to get my actual check before I shit on the bathroom floor.
Bar Tab 47.62
Tip 2.38
Total 50.00

Bar #3 Rush and Division (every bar)

Well shit where do I begin. First bar we went to we were playing pool and this guy came up and asked us if he could join us in a game. I looked at my friend and with an Irish accent said, "Whada say ye wanka?" With out skipping a beat my buddy looks at me and says, "Ya Jag on mate!" So we preceded to pretend that we were Irish businessmen on holiday for the New years for three hours. Every one believed it and I have a terrible accent.
Bar Tab 65.79
Tip 9.21
Total 75.00

9:45pm Bar #4 Shenanigans
So we head to Shenanigans which is a middle age shit show. Males and females in their thirties who are coming to that halting point in their careers and believe that if they drown their sorrows in binge filled drinking and chubby filled fucking that they will get that miraculous raise they have been gunning for since they started eight years go. Amongst the enormous crowd of shit grinning quarter life crisis'ers there is a group of plus size models who are dancing as if they are getting paid in chocolate and chicken. These divas were cutting a rug on the dance floor. So much it was bringing the house down……Literally.
I look at the bartender and ask, "Hey ARE YOU AMERICAN?" One of the chocolate chicken eating plus size models comes up next to me and in a snarky remark and asks, "What is that your pick up line?" I turned to her, smiled with a gentle smile and explained, "No hunnie your way to heavy to pick up."
Bar Tab 79.93
Tip 15.07
Total 95.00

11:45pm Bar #5 Mcfadden's
Well this is when shit really hit the fan. By this time I am completely in the bag with the bag zipped up around me.We arrive at Mcfadden's and I am Housed. We get there and these bro's think that they are the coolest thing since heavy flow tampons. This guy looks at me with a total BRO face and says, " Hey dude have you ever had a duck fart?" 
(side note, by this time I am Incredible Asshole and I look him and say, No Bro whats a duck fart? So this stain of a human being bought me a funny shot that tasted like pistachio ice cream so I felt I should do him a favor. 

"Hey dude have you ever had a queef of queens?" He looks at me perplexed like Keano Reeves from Bill and Ted's excellent Adventure and says, No! What's that?" I look at the bartender who I knew and got the Bro, me and, my colleague/ associate/ partner in crime a shot of Parton Citron, Crown Royal, Amarreto and Gold Schlager. The Bro shot it and cringed like a munson and my buddy took it and immediately left. I walk into the bathroom and he is throwing up in the stall. I thought that was the end of it, we were leaving, I was wrong. 

There was a chick dancing on the table and my colleague thought she was attractive. After talking for many minutes and listening to her lines of bullshit, he realized that he didn't appreciate her presence. They exchanged words and she throw a drink at him. He then returned fire heaving his beer at her soaking her in stale keg beer that has been sitting for a month. She flipped, jumped off the bar and screamed a heavy scream. I was laughing so hard that she started screaming at me and I was like, "Your pants are all wet." She ran after my friend like it was the last half mile of a marathon.

 She tried attacking us but the bouncer grabbed her and told us to get out of the bar before he let her go. We get to the outside of the bar and thought we were in the clear. We were wrong. This so called self per claimed millionaire from Mexico comes out screaming at us. "You dick!" She says to my friend, "You broke my phone." I look at her and say, "no worries just buy it with the millions of pesos you have." My buddy and I laugh at her. She then slaps my friend and slugs me in the stomach. She starts yelling at my friend saying how she's a millionaire in Mexican or something. Meanwhile I'm holding my stomach feeling awfully sick when she turns to me and say, "And You! You short piece of shit! I bet you get no pussy at all. You Tom Cruise lookin' Mutherfucker!" Before she could finish I let loose of 12 hours of heavy drinking all over her skanky outfit and her bare feet. She screamed as if she won the lotto. My buddy and I ran as if we were in the last half mile of the same marathon.
Bar Tab 80.68
Tip 16.00
Total 96.68


Today is Wednesday 4th, 2012 and I am a resident Asshole