5 Bars and 389.68 later

Wednesday All DAY!


Author side note: OK I do not have a drinking problem I can drink a beer perfectly fine but when I drink all day…… I tend to turn into Incredible Asshole. He's a super hero but really doesn't do anything super he just gets drunk and makes fun of foreigners and starts fights with meat heads who wear affliction shirts and fist pump to much.


Bar #1 Drum and Monkey
12:30 p.m 


So a friend and I decided since it is christmas break and we are American we should celebrate America by just indulging in copious amounts of alcoholic beverages and shouting obscenities at a loud pitch several times. 
We started off with the good "ol' college try" with a Jameson shot and a bud light. Rifled those down like Germans during WWII and moved onto some more Bud lights. About four beers and two shots later I noticed something. There was an elderly gentleman at the end of the bar who was talking to himself and I couldn't help it but to go up to him. He smelled like live fishing bait and Sharon Tait's house. Well this man, let's call him Charles Manson, was watching Maury feeling that the love triangle on the show had it all wrong. So I approach Charles and ask him if he would like a drink, but he surprised me and said he didn't partake in alcohol so I bought him a shot of water and we left for another bar.
Bar Tab 62.50
Tip 10.50
Total 73.00



Bar #2 Timothy O'Tooles
3:30 pm


Welcome to Streetersville over priced central of Beautiful downtown Chicago. How I ended up there I do not know. By this time, I had about two feet in the bag. Long story short here me and my partner in crime each had three craft beers and two patron shots and when the bartender brought me my tab, I laughed in his face and told him to get my actual check before I shit on the bathroom floor.
Bar Tab 47.62
Tip 2.38
Total 50.00



Bar #3 Rush and Division (every bar)
6:45pm

Well shit where do I begin. First bar we went to we were playing pool and this guy came up and asked us if he could join us in a game. I looked at my friend and with an Irish accent said, "Whada say ye wanka?" With out skipping a beat my buddy looks at me and says, "Ya Jag on mate!" So we preceded to pretend that we were Irish businessmen on holiday for the New years for three hours. Every one believed it and I have a terrible accent.
Bar Tab 65.79
Tip 9.21
Total 75.00



9:45pm Bar #4 Shenanigans
So we head to Shenanigans which is a middle age shit show. Males and females in their thirties who are coming to that halting point in their careers and believe that if they drown their sorrows in binge filled drinking and chubby filled fucking that they will get that miraculous raise they have been gunning for since they started eight years go. Amongst the enormous crowd of shit grinning quarter life crisis'ers there is a group of plus size models who are dancing as if they are getting paid in chocolate and chicken. These divas were cutting a rug on the dance floor. So much it was bringing the house down……Literally.
I look at the bartender and ask, "Hey ARE YOU AMERICAN?" One of the chocolate chicken eating plus size models comes up next to me and in a snarky remark and asks, "What is that your pick up line?" I turned to her, smiled with a gentle smile and explained, "No hunnie your way to heavy to pick up."
Bar Tab 79.93
Tip 15.07
Total 95.00



11:45pm Bar #5 Mcfadden's
Well this is when shit really hit the fan. By this time I am completely in the bag with the bag zipped up around me.We arrive at Mcfadden's and I am Housed. We get there and these bro's think that they are the coolest thing since heavy flow tampons. This guy looks at me with a total BRO face and says, " Hey dude have you ever had a duck fart?" 
(side note, by this time I am Incredible Asshole and I look him and say, No Bro whats a duck fart? So this stain of a human being bought me a funny shot that tasted like pistachio ice cream so I felt I should do him a favor. 


"Hey dude have you ever had a queef of queens?" He looks at me perplexed like Keano Reeves from Bill and Ted's excellent Adventure and says, No! What's that?" I look at the bartender who I knew and got the Bro, me and, my colleague/ associate/ partner in crime a shot of Parton Citron, Crown Royal, Amarreto and Gold Schlager. The Bro shot it and cringed like a munson and my buddy took it and immediately left. I walk into the bathroom and he is throwing up in the stall. I thought that was the end of it, we were leaving, I was wrong. 


There was a chick dancing on the table and my colleague thought she was attractive. After talking for many minutes and listening to her lines of bullshit, he realized that he didn't appreciate her presence. They exchanged words and she throw a drink at him. He then returned fire heaving his beer at her soaking her in stale keg beer that has been sitting for a month. She flipped, jumped off the bar and screamed a heavy scream. I was laughing so hard that she started screaming at me and I was like, "Your pants are all wet." She ran after my friend like it was the last half mile of a marathon.


 She tried attacking us but the bouncer grabbed her and told us to get out of the bar before he let her go. We get to the outside of the bar and thought we were in the clear. We were wrong. This so called self per claimed millionaire from Mexico comes out screaming at us. "You dick!" She says to my friend, "You broke my phone." I look at her and say, "no worries just buy it with the millions of pesos you have." My buddy and I laugh at her. She then slaps my friend and slugs me in the stomach. She starts yelling at my friend saying how she's a millionaire in Mexican or something. Meanwhile I'm holding my stomach feeling awfully sick when she turns to me and say, "And You! You short piece of shit! I bet you get no pussy at all. You Tom Cruise lookin' Mutherfucker!" Before she could finish I let loose of 12 hours of heavy drinking all over her skanky outfit and her bare feet. She screamed as if she won the lotto. My buddy and I ran as if we were in the last half mile of the same marathon.
Bar Tab 80.68
Tip 16.00
Total 96.68


FINAL TOTAL 389.68


Today is Wednesday 4th, 2012 and I am a resident Asshole