Your Pants are wet!

Author side note: OK. I really do not try to be an asshole or do asshole things, but as my day progresses I tend to just indulge in acts of assholeness. Yes I made up a word. Assholeness.


Tuesday Morning


It's just shy of 9 am and I am late for class as usual. I don't intentionally try to be late for class I just tend to drag ass in the morning. So I am a few blocks away from the building where I need to be and I am just Jay walking like a mother fucker (as usual). As I am skipping gracefully like Mary Poppins across the street two cars almost come in contact with me and my morning cheer. I jump to the curb in complete disgust thinking. "These fuckin' cab drivers couldn't drive if tits where steering wheels." As I turn around these two cars that almost ended my life had managed to hit each other.


I just stared in amazement as both drivers get out of the car and in a fit of rage start screaming at each other. One driver was an african looking fellow who was driving one of those piece of shit Scion taxi cabs that you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy. The other participant was a middle aged caucasian male driving a newer Land Rover. I grabbed for my phone to take a picture of this funny scene when both drivers turn to me in sequence and shout, "It was you!" Your the reason why we crashed."


The cab driver started screaming in Zimbabwe or whatever the fuck he was and Mr. I haven't shit solid in five years because my boss is so far up my ass business man moved away from his car and started walking toward me. He looked furious, and I mean furious. Furious like the little fender bender poped one of his hemorrhoids and made a mess of his light gray Ralph Lauren dress slacks that he got on sale a week or so ago. So furious that now on top of his insurance claim on his car, he is gonna have to make a claim on his rectal problem.
Any way...
I smiled a nice gentle smirk and another taxi rolled by. I held up my arm and waved keeping eye contact with Mr. I haven't shit solid in five years because my boss is so far up my ass business man. He had a look in his eye that he was going to take all of his work, marital and daddy issues out on me in one big slap. The cab rolled up right between me and him and as he was about to go off on me, I smiled a big smile and said, "Your pants are wet." and got in the cab and drove off.




Today is Tuesday January 3rd, 2012 and I am a Resident Asshole.