Reminiscing the past Asshole

Author's side note: I wasn't just an asshole as soon as I started blogging. No, I have been pretty much a jagaloon. So I am going to make a short little list or maybe a long little list of things I did in my childhood.

First Grade:
Ahhh First grade, first real class and first not so real girlfriend.I asked a girl to be my ladyfriend at recess and she said yes. Shortly after I wanted to see if I could get a kiss. I got it. Then I wanted to make sure girls didn't have the same parts as boys. They don't. I lifted her skirt and she got pretty upset. When she said she would tell on me I bribed her like any politician would to a night walker to keep their pregnancy under wraps. She took the money and then told. Later on that day I snuck over to her desk when she wasn't there and took my money back.

Second Grade:
Over a week I collected insects, frogs, and vegetation (so they can eat obviously) in my desk and during class I let them free. I managed to keep a bee in the desk as well and it stung one of the other children in my class. They had an allergic reaction and had to leave school.

Side note: I felt pretty bad about that one and have always thought about it. About 4 1/2 years ago I was with my friends in the summertime drinking behind my old elementary school which butted up against a forest. I got stung by five bees creating an allergic reaction. I now have to carry an Epipen with me 8 months out of the year.

Third grade:
There was an overweight kid in my class who sat next to me all year. We always seemed to have gas on the same days. It was like our mothers fed us and spoiled our stomachs at the same time. One day this child was presenting something in front of the class and I was sitting in the front row. This kid was doing fantastic until he tore a massive fart in front of everyone. It was huge; his ass was against the chalk board so it enhanced the noise of the fart and made a resonating sound. Everyone smirked and giggled while I sat in the front row and laughed hysterically at this poor kid. He continued to present his little presentation on water or whatever the fuck he was presenting when my stomach started to feel bad. I let loose a crawler and everyone in the class thought it was the poor kid presenting. I noticed the others didn't know it was me so I joined in on the laughter. The poor kid got so embarrassed that he cried and ran out of class.

Side note: It's ok I know I was a jag on that one but later that day I shit my pants in gym class.

Fourth Grade: I had just gotten braces and had returned to school later on in the day. A bigger girl who seemed to have bully me for some time say me passing in the hall. She looked at me and said in such a Country (Cunt-tree) way, "Ohhhhh does poor little Tommy feel sick today?" I was in no mood for her American girl doll bullshit so I returned fire with this simple comment, "Hey Bridgette two words, Jenny Craig." She started crying and ran off to her next class.

Side note: Now she is anorexic and in rehab...............just kidding

Fifth Grade: I feel like this is when I started becoming a trouble maker. During recess someone came up to me and told me another class mate had called me a short retard to his friend on the playground. I became furious. So as recess was coming to a close and every one was running in the doors, I had one of my friends give me the heads up when he was coming around the corner. As he is sprinting around the bend my buddy gives me the go ahead and I pop my foot out and he goes flying! He skids across the pavement and scratches up his face and right before he is about to start screaming I run up to him and say, "Now whose the short retard." I wish I saw a couple more Die hard films before I made my comment because I feel it would have been way better.

Throughout the year I had been getting detentions and serving them during recess. Every time I got a detention I had to bring a slip home to my parents to sign. Well when this first started happening I immediately started forging my mom’s signature so she didn't have to know. When we went on a school field trip a couple months later I brought it home for my mom to sign. Let's just say I served a lot more detentions after that one.

Right before school ended on my last day of fifth grade, my buddy and I got a hold of some M-80's and wanted to leave our mark on the school. Thanks Problem Child you really helped me cap off my elementary school year with a bang literally. Wow, ya, look at that so Cliche. 

Today is January 12th, 2012 and I have always been an Asshole.